You know that ‘lifetime guarantee’ you offered me? Apparently I died already

Beyond the gates of Hell lies… the Customer Returns desk

May I have a replacement, please?

“Sir? You have only just bought it.”

Yes. But it’s broken. I would like it replaced.

“I don’t understand, sir. This is the checkout. You have just now paid for the goods. You haven’t even left the shop.”

Well I thought I’d save time having to bring it back later.

Welcome to my personal retail world. Whatever I buy, it’ll be …