Ransomware wouldn’t be so bad if your data wasn't so easy to kidnap

Customer security is our highest priori-ha-ha-ha whatevs suckers

Photo © 2024 Alistair Dabbs

Let me open my box while you grab your tool. I do hope your hat is hard.

Apologies to new readers who may not be familiar with my cheap shots at capturing your interest with an obvious double-entendre. Long-time readers of this column, however, will have guessed that I am merely down at the DIY superstore again.

If there are Two Great Conflicting Truths of Existence, they are (1) that you can never have too many screws, and (2) none of them are the right size. So off I go, shuffling up and down the aisles in the company of dozens of similar negligently dressed men clutching crumpled pieces of paper with numbers and arrows scribbled on them; inhaling the aroma of cheap wood stain while our other halves stock up on joss sticks near the ever-lengthening queue at the only checkout desk in operation.

Breaking the spell of hazy boredom, the phone in my pocket buzzes with a notification. Ah, there’s been another data breach, it says. Pff.

There was a time when I would show more interest. I mean, I’m supposed to write about this kind of thing for a living. But these days, the loss of millions of people’s private information to crafty rascals is so commonplace, it’s barely worth putting a power tool back on its shelf in acknowledgement.

I bet mine is bigger than yours.

(See? I did it again. You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry. Usually to the left.)

What I mean to say is that the IT industry is notoriously keen on letting us know that size matters – especially when it comes to data security breaches.

Not for us the everyday mugging of a pensioner at a cash machine. Oh no, we much prefer those events labelled as “unprecedented” and “biggest ever”. Each time a government agency is hacked, for example, hints are immediately dropped concerning rogue state actors in Russia, China or Iran. Yet, after months of investigation by armies of spooks, it usually turns out each hack was conducted either by non-political organised crims or by an acne-ridden bloke in his early 20s living with his mum in Barnsley.