I am sending pouting selfies to a robot. Its AI is well buff

Unfortunately, it can count my laughter lines

Stereotypical AI-generated hyper-photorealistic (i.e. unrealistic) crap when I type “robots in a beauty contest” into the query field.

Picking roses on a summer’s day fills me with joy, and so does playing beach volleyball with my beautiful friends. I dearly wish for world peace. I hope to work with children, just as soon as I have completed my doctorate in astrophysics.

No doubt you have guessed that none of these things actually apply to me. But they could do if I can say them convincingly in front of the judges. I am in training for a beauty contest!

At the risk of slipping back into my default double-entendre mode, it’s a lot harder than you might expect. But I have taken my aim and intend letting that arrow fly.

I am having to take more care over my personal grooming, for example, which in my case means filling three bin bags of removed body hair every week. And the older I get, the greater the proportion of hair that needs to be removed from below the neck. You know the expression “shoulder-length” hair? Well I have hair on my shoulders already that, left to its own devices and brushed upwards, could be described as “ear-length”. And as for the hair on, around and coming out of my ears… eeww.

Other tasks are easy, such as walking up and down a stage with one hand on hip, like a demented John Inman. No-one wants to see that tiara rolling into the orchestra pit as I tumble down the steps from my winner’s throne.

The swimsuit chafes like buggery, mind.