Fetch my keys will you? They’re in the fridge

And may I have my arms back, please?

Photo © 2024 Andy Kelly | https://unsplash.com/fr/@askkell

Any chance of getting more vibrations? Yes I have turned it up to 11. Indeed, I pressed all the buttons but I’m simply not getting the right buzz at the end.

Numbers, eh?

There you were, thinking I’d succumbed to electronic onanism when actually I’d been poking into onomancy. Walk into the room unannounced and you will invariably catch me in the middle of frenzied digit-shuffling. That is, numerology.

According to The Power of Home Numbers by Jesse Kalsi, something called “number patching” can “dramatically improve a home or business’s vibration.” The book details the “influences and qualities” of every number – not just 1 to 9 but even the “amplifier” zero! – as well as the “energies” of celebrities and famous addresses.

“It's a compelling must-read!” thrills Zeenat Aman, a peer reviewer whose mathematical training is a little vague on her CV. Is ‘Bollywood Star’ one of those new university colleges?

Anyway, it’s a bargain at the classically mystical price of $19.95. Have you noticed how many mail order products cost exactly nineteen-point-ninety-five of whatever currency a country uses? I surmise that 19.95 is the number of God’s cash register… except Amazon seems to have cocked it up by discounting Kalsi’s book to $16.47. Judging by my own calculations, that’s the number of the devil’s toilet duck.